One Step at a Time

Children with ADHD have a multitude of struggles, which can translate into disorganization, interrupting conversations, unfinished chores, lower grades, and behavioral problems.  As parents, we may be tempted to address all of these issues at once, but this approach often fails us.  It leads to increased frustration and a sense of failure, for parents and children alike. 

It is important to work on one specific behavior at a time.  This will reduce the stress on you and your child, and minimize feelings of overwhelm.  Be patient.  There is plenty of time to work on other behaviors and obstacles.  

Reduce Holiday Stress

The holidays are upon us, along with the joy and the stress they bring.  Holiday parties, travel, shopping, decorating, and cooking are piled on top of our already busy schedules.  While most of us enjoy the festivities, it can also throw off our routines and leave us feeling frazzled.  To top it off, the kids are out of school for winter break.  Here are a few tips to help you make the most of holiday joy and minimize stress.

• Stick to what works.  Don’t forget to use your normal time management and organization systems.  Make sure you include holiday-related tasks and events.
• Try to maintain some sort of routine.  If your child takes a nap a 2:00 pm every day, don’t schedule activities during that time.  Similarly, if you go to the gym every morning, try to stick with that routine.  If you can’t go to the gym, squeeze in a walk (weather permitting), yoga, or some other exercise during that time.
• Don’t overbook yourself or your child.  Be mindful that the constant hustle and bustle can lead to overwhelm and meltdowns.  Make sure to schedule some down time.     
• Take it easy on the sugar.  Sugar and artificial food coloring can exacerbate ADHD symptoms.         
• Don’t forget self-care.  When we get busy, basic needs such as sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet are the first to go. 

What helps you maintain your sanity and reduce stress during the holiday season? I’d love to hear from you! 

Social Support

A while back, I had the opportunity to sit down with a few friends, all of which had at a child with ADHD.  We chatted for hours about some of the parenting challenges we faced, our children’s struggles, what helped, and what didn’t.  It was such an incredible relief to be able to speak freely with no fear of judgment.  As other parents of ADHDers know, this doesn’t happen very often.  I share this experience because it highlights the importance of social support.  Not only is it therapeutic to share challenges with others, it can help you verbally process problems and brain storm possible solutions.  If you don’t already have a strong social support system, I encourage you to find other parents of ADHD children.  Whether it’s an informal gathering of friends or a formal support group, it can do you a world of good.

Fidget Toys

Many people with ADHD find that fidget toys are an effective strategy to help them remain focus.  This is true for children and adults alike.  (For those of you who know me, I often wear a ring that doubles as a fidget.) Stress balls, slinkies, or even a strip of Velcro to run your fingers over can help people with ADHD who need movement to focus.  However, there is one thing that must be considered.  Many people with ADHD are also extremely sensitive to textures.  What works for one person may be irritating to another.  So, while I highly encourage experimenting with fidgets, it is essential that the child (or adult) finds the fidget appealing in size, density, and texture.  Try different options and figure out what works.

Top Mistakes Parents Make When Raising an ADHD Child

The other day I was reflecting on the mistakes I’ve made as a parent, and the mistakes I’ve watched other parents make.  The result of this reflection was a list of some of the top mistakes parents of ADHD children make.  As you read this, remember that no one is perfect.  I think we are all guilty of some of these from time to time.    

·        Thinking ADHD behaviors are intentional.  ADHD children do not leave a mess just so you have to clean it up.  They get distracted and move on to the next thing without even thinking about it.  Similarly, they are not purposely ignoring you.  It's just that their mind is focused on something else, and they are not processing what you are saying.  If they are hyperfocused, they may not even hear you.

·        Allowing ADHD to be used as an excuse.  While it is important to teach your ADHD child to advocate for him or herself, it is also important to avoid using ADHD as an excuse.  I stress with my clients is that there is a difference between excuses and explanations.  Instead of using the excuse, "I can't do that because I have ADHD", ADHDers need to focus on explanations such as "I have ADHD, so I need (insert strategy here) to help me do this" or simply “(strategy) helps me to do this”.  For example, a child might say, “playing with a stress ball really helps me to pay attention”. 

·        Being too rigid about how things need to be done.  For example, I've heard parents tell their children that homework must be done sitting at a desk.  Parents need to allow kids the flexibility to figure out how they work best.  Their minds are not wired the same way as non-ADHDers, so they may need to do things differently in order to succeed.  Focus on the end goal versus having a required path to get there.  Parenting an ADHD child requires creativity and flexibility.

·        Expecting their child to complete large, overwhelming tasks on their own.  Even adults with ADHD tend to shut down when faced with large, long-term, or overwhelming tasks.  Instead of telling your child to clean his or her room, help them break it down into smaller, more manageable tasks, such as “put your toys in the toy box” and “pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper”. 

·        Ignoring their child's struggles.  Ignoring ADHD does not make it go away.  Understand that you’re child struggles with certain things and work with him or her to create strategies that will help. 

·        Always focusing on the negative.  Children with ADHD receive a lot of negative feedback.  It is so important to recognize their efforts and celebrate successes.  Your child has his or her unique strengths and talents.  Make sure you take the time to appreciate those strengths and encourage your child to excel in those areas. 

·        Being unrealistic.  Let’s face it, ADHD comes with several obstacles, and it is impossible to work on all of them at the same time.  Focus on one or two things at a time, and set realistic expectations.

·        Not taking care of themselves.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Parents need to remember to take care of themselves! When you are stressed and overwhelmed, you cannot be the calm, supportive parent your child needs.  Take the time to take care of yourself by eating right, exercising, and making sure to schedule some time for yourself.  

You Are Not Alone!

I recently attended the CHADD conference in Chicago, and one thing I took away is that we are not alone.  As I listened to other ADHD coaches, experts, and advocates, I found that many had the same story.  So many of them faced the all-to-familiar struggles of raising an ADHD child.  They faced the negative comments and opinions of others, they had to fight to get their child the help he or she needed, and they battled their own frustration as they watched their children struggle behaviorally, academically, and socially.  I don't think there was a single parent there that hadn't received phone calls from teachers reporting poor grades or bad behavior.  

I wanted to share this observation, because so many of us question our parenting.  We battle with "terrible parent" syndrome when our children struggle with ADHD-related obstacles.  Yet there are experts out there that have faced the same issues and fought the same battles.  So, don't get caught up in second guessing yourself.

The Importance of Boundaries

One thing I’ve learned over the years, it is important to set healthy personal boundaries.  This is especially true when you are raising an ADHD child.  Boundaries need to be set around how you allow your child (and others) to treat you, and boundaries need to be set around what input, advice, and interference you will accept from outsiders.  Failure to protect your personal boundaries often leads to feelings of guilt, stress, resentment, and tension.  When you have ADHD yourself, this stress can shut down your prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for your brain to function effectively.  However, as essential as boundaries are, many people struggle with defining and protecting their boundaries.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are essentially rules about what you will or will not allow into your life.  These rules allow you to protect and take care of yourself.  In order to set boundaries, you need to consider your needs, values, and goals.  When something is out of sync with these things, it may indicate missing boundaries.  For example, if someone is constantly undermining you as a parent, you are not protecting your boundaries.  

A Few Questions to Ask Yourself

When you experience feelings of unhappiness, guilt, stress, or tension, stop and ask yourself the following questions:

•  Is this in line with my personal needs, values, and goals?
• Am I able to communicate my feelings about this issue?
• Can I say “no” or “stop” without feelings of guilt?
• Is this really my problem, or is it someone else’s?

If you answer no to any of these questions, it may be time to take a step back and consider what boundaries you need to set in place. 

Special Considerations for Parents   

There are a few areas where you need to set boundaries as a parent, especially when in comes to the influence of outsiders.  In order to clarify your boundaries, ask yourself the following questions:

• What impact is this person having on me and/or my child?
• What information do I want my child to have?
• What input or advice am I willing to take from outsiders? 
• What input or advice am I not willing to take?

It’s OK to Say No

Once you have set your boundaries, it may take some time before you are comfortable with enforcing those boundaries.  You may feel guilty or uncomfortable saying no or stop.  Keep practicing! It will get easier with time.  Find a way to remind yourself of the alternatives.

Terrible Mother (A Poem)

I am a terrible mother

Or so I've been told

By those with the answers

By those who are so bold

Your child needs more discipline 

More structure, tough love

Spend more time, spend less time

I choose to rise above

For I know what it's like

I know my child best  

I know not a day goes by

Where she doesn't put me to the test

I know her strength

Her weakness, her fear 

I know every time she falls

We both shed a tear

So I am a terrible mother

I'll choose to ignore the crowd

All I can do is my best

And for that I am proud

A Higher Calling

Okay. I'm going to rewind here for a minute. Looking at my past I struggled. To say that school was a challenge, is an understatement.  The harder I tried, the harder it was to pay attention.  Then there was the feelings of social awkwardness.  (However, my habit of butting in on other people's conversations is actually how I ended up meeting one of my best friends.  But I digress...) I lacked motivation.  I was bored.  I felt like I had no direction.  To make matters worse, I was constantly beating up on myself, because I wasn't as organized, effective, efficient, successful, etc. as other people.  In sum, I always felt like something was wrong with me.  I knew it shouldn't be this hard.  I felt broken.  

It wasn't until I was diagnosed with ADHD and (more importantly) truly understood how it affected me, that things started to make sense.  I remember thinking, "Well, that explains a lot!"

Fast forward to the present...

I have come a long way since then.  The struggles I encountered understanding my own ADHD and raising a child with ADHD lead me to where I am today, and I feel blessed to have the opportunity to help others navigate their own ADHD.  I can't begin to express the joy I feel when I see that light bulb come on in their head, as they begin to understand and appreciate themselves.  

The moral of this story is that sometimes the lowest points in our lives are the moments that lead us to our higher calling.  If I can give just one person hope through sharing my story, it was all worth it.  

"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit" ~ Napoleon Hill

October is ADHD Awareness Month!

As you may know, October is ADHD Awareness Month, and I am excited to be a part of this year's ADHD Awareness Book Project.  This year's book, Inspirational Ways to Succeed with ADHD, includes tips, strategies, and stories from 40+ contributors (including me!).  Make sure you go to http://inspirationalwaystosucceedwithadhd.com today to order your copy! 

If you purchase Inspirational Ways to Succeed with ADHD today (Oct. 2, 2014), you will receive access to special bonus offers from many of the contributors.  

The ADHD Parent Trap

I used to think I had all the answers.  Since I have ADHD, I thought that all my strategies for overcoming ADHD-related obstacles would work for my daughter too.  WRONG!!!! If there is one thing I've learned, it's that ADHD affects everyone differently.  Perhaps even more importantly, different strategies work for different people.  In short, don't get sucked in to the ADHD parent trap.  Keep in mind that we are all wired differently. So, work with your children to find solutions and strategies that work for their unique brain wiring.

I Blame the Parents

My friends and I were gathered around the table enjoying a desperately needed girl’s night out.  Someone brought up recent events involving a neighborhood troublemaker.  While I don’t usually involve myself with gossip, I have to admit it was nice to know that my child wasn't the only hot mess in town.  Mind you, I don’t wish these issues on any parent, but it is nice to know you aren’t the only one. 

We all contributed our thoughts and opinions about the situation.

“It’s such a shame.  He has so much potential.”

“The poor parents…”

“If he doesn’t straighten out, he’s going to wind up in jail.”

In the midst of these comments expressing sympathy and concern, one of my friends blurted out, “I blame the parents!”

I could feel the rage growing inside me.  Those of us who were dealing with our own “problem children” exchanged glances.  How dare she make a comment like that!

Just about every woman sitting at the table that night had an ADHD child, and a few were trying to raise children with more serious emotional and developmental disorders.  She knew what we were going through.  She knew that we had all gone to great lengths to support our children, investing in their treatment and success.     

There are a few things I’ve learned raising an ADHD child.  First, until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea what obstacles these children and their parents face.  I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve spoken with that admit that they used to be “one of those people” who believed that it was the parents’ faults.  Then they were faced with raising an ADHD child of their own, and they realized that it’s more complicated than that. 

The second thing I learned was that we, as parents, only have so much control.  Our children are going to do what they are going to do, especially if they struggle with impulsivity.  No matter what we do, they are going to make mistakes. 

While we may not be able to change the opinions of others, we do need to guard ourselves from taking their comments to heart.  We need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes, and let go of the guilt we feel because our children are struggling.  

Put Your Oxygen Mask on First

I laid in bed, not wanting to face the day. 

“Are you getting up?” my husband asked.

“Yeah.  In a minute.” I replied, knowing that whether I got up or not was questionable.  Over the past few weeks, I had been feeling fatigued and overwhelmed, but this morning was even worse.  I had been up all night worrying about my daughter, playing out all of the worst-case scenarios in my head, and wondering what I could do to help her.  Couldn’t things be easy for once? Why couldn’t she just turn in her homework, at least attempt to do her chores, and for goodness sake, stay out of trouble?

I knew why.  Like me, she had ADHD.  She often forgot to complete homework assignments, and when she did complete them, she forgot to turn them in.  She couldn’t get her chores done, because there were so many other interesting things to distract her along the way, and she was constantly getting in trouble for impulsively responding to us and her teachers.  The child had no filter what-so-ever.  I wished I knew how to help her.

I needed to do something before I snapped – for my sake and for the sake of my family.  I wondered what would happen if I ran off to live on a deserted tropical island where no one could find me…

Anyone who’s been on an airplane has heard, “put your oxygen mask on first” before attempting to help small children with theirs.  This concept is important, but all too often forgotten when we are raising ADHD children.  We get so wrapped up in taking care of our children that we forget to take care of ourselves.  Parenting, in and of itself, is stressful, but when you add an ADHD child to the mix, that stress is intensified.  WARNING: Neglecting self-care can and will eventually lead to overwhelm and burnout.  When this happens, we have lower tolerance to frustration, and it becomes even more difficult to address issues, plan, and problem solve.  Some parents begin to react from an emotional state, while others tune everything out.  Be honest with yourself, how is this benefiting you or your child? When you’re overwhelmed or burnt out, can you react in a calm, rational, supportive way? Probably not.  More than likely, you will begin to feel frustrated, if not angry or resentful towards your child.

This is why self-care is so incredibly important.  As parents, we need to make sure we are eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep.  It is also important to schedule some “me time” to recharge your batteries.  If you’re thinking, “But I don’t have time!”, I challenge you to ask yourself whether you can afford the alternative. 

Beware of Burnout

At this summer’s ADDA conference I attended a talk about ADHD and burnout given by Linda Walker. While the talk focused on burnout as a result of being overworked, it occurred to me that burnout is a real issue for parents raising ADHD children, especially if the parents are ADHD themselves.  Stress from work and home can leave parents overwhelmed, eventually leading to mental and emotional shut-down.  It may seem impossible to escape these stressors and take care of oneself, but the risk of burnout makes self-care that much more important.  

Identifying Signs of Burnout

Symptoms of burnout or impending burnout can be physical, emotional, or behavioral.  Some warning signs include a chronic tired or drained feeling, muscle aches or tension, headaches, back pain, loss of motivation,  and feelings of failure, self-doubt, or helplessness.

Preventing Burnout

When stress is coming at you from all sides, it is essential to take care of yourself.  Let's face it, when we don't take care of ourselves, we are less effective at home and at work.  This leads to more stress and creates a downward spiral, which will ultimately lead to burnout and/or other issues.  Here are a few suggestions for preventing burnout:

• Keep a success journal.  This will help remind you of your strengths, accomplishments, and what has worked in the past.  This can be extremely helpful when you reach a point where you don't know what to do.  
• Keep a gratitude journal.  Find at least 3 things to be thankful for each day, even in times of high stress.  I could go into all the benefits of this one, but the bottom line is that this can do wonders for your outlook and your ability to cope with stress.  Don't believe me? Try it for yourself!
• Exercise.  Another essential aspect of protecting yourself from burnout.  It improves mood and reduces stress.  If you're not into hitting the gym, find ways to squeeze walking, your favorite sport, or other physical activities into your day.  
• Get enough sleep.  Let's face it, our brains go to mush if we don't get enough sleep, something you might want to remember the next time you decide to stay up late in an effort to "catch up".  Chances are, you'll only be putting yourself further behind in the end. 
• Eat a healthy diet. When we don't eat right, it affects our body and our mind.  
• Practice mindfulness.  Meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a moment to notice how you are feeling emotionally and physically can help recharge our batteries.
• Set boundaries.  It's okay to say no, it's okay to ask for help, and it's okay to set rules about how you'll allow others to treat you.
• Schedule "Me" time.  Spend time with friends or engaging in your favorite activity.  It doesn't matter what you do as long as it gives you a brief escape from daily stressors.  It's all about recharging your batteries so you don't get to that point of overwhelm and burnout.

Beware of Cookie-Cutter Accommodations

Well, it’s that time of year again – kids are going back to school, and parents are starting to think about IEPs and 504 plans.  If you are not familiar with these plans, IEPs (Individual Education Plans) and 504 plans are an individualized set of accommodations that the school will provide to help students with physical, mental, or learning disabilities, including ADHD.  For those of you who do not have a 504 plan or an IEP for your child, I highly encourage you to look into putting one in place.  For the rest of you, I have one question: How well is your current IEP or 504 plan working for your child? For these plans to work, it is essential that you and your child’s school work together to determine the right accommodations.  All too often these plans are filled with cookie cutter accommodations that may or may not help the student.  Here are a few of the accommodations that I see on most plans, along with a few things to consider.

Accommodation #1: Student is to sit at the front of the class (or closest to the teacher).

The Reasoning: By sitting in the front of the class and closer to the teacher, there will be fewer distractions.  This will help the student sustain attention during class.

The Problem: If the teacher moves around a lot, sitting in the front can actually be more distracting, because the student has to constantly turn his or her head to follow the teacher.  In addition, if there is a student nearby that is fidgeting, tapping his or her pencil, etc., the ADHD student will likely be distracted no matter where they are positioned.

Solution: Always discuss accommodations with your child, and listen to his or her ideas and concerns.  Find out where he or she feels most comfortable and has the least amount of distractions.

Accommodation #2: The student is sent to another room to take tests.

The Reasoning: A separate room with no other students will eliminate distractions and allow the student to concentrate on the test.

The Problem: This accommodation works really well with some students, but not with others.  Some students need a little background noise to help them focus.

Other Options: If a separate room is too quiet, but you still need to minimize distractions, you may consider having the child sit in a back of the room facing the wall to prevent visual distractions.  You can also try using a study carrel.  If one is not available in the classroom, a makeshift study carrel can be made by propping folders up on the desk.  You can also try using a separate room for tests and bringing in a white noise machine so things aren’t too quiet.

Accommodation #3: The teacher will check and sign off on the student’s agenda every day.

The Reasoning: Students with ADHD are infamous for forgetting to write down assignments or failing to record important information about those assignments.  By having the teacher check the student’s agenda each day, you ensure that the student has written down all the assignments correctly.

The Problem: All too often the students are expected to remember to bring their agendas to the teacher for signing.  Here’s my challenge to that approach – If the student can’t remember to write down the assignments, how will they remember to have their teachers sign off on it?

Other Options: Have your child pick out a study buddy for each class.  Then, every afternoon the student will call the study buddy to make sure all assignments are written down correctly.  Another option is to use a smartphone to take a picture of assignments written on the board.

ADHD Myths and Misconceptions

ADHD isn’t real.  
The Truth: ADHD is a very real disorder.  Neuroimaging studies have documented differences in the activity of ADHD and non-ADHD brains.  

ADHD is over diagnosed.

The Truth: While this may be true in small circles around the country, just as many (if not more) go undiagnosed.  In fact, it’s estimated that 85% of ADHD adults are undiagnosed. 

ADHD is the result of bad parenting.
The Truth: Nothing gets me fired up faster than someone who blames the parents for a child's ADHD.  ADHD is NOT the result of bad parenting.  The disorder has a strong genetic component, and most ADHDers have family members with ADHD as well.   

ADHD is a new disorder.  
The Truth: While we still have a lot to learn about ADHD, it is not a new disorder.  In fact, accounts of ADHD date back as far as 1798.

ADHD is a childhood disorder, and people outgrow it. 

The Truth: While ADHD may manifest differently in adults, people don’t just outgrow it.  Adults with ADHD are likely to exhibit less hyperactivity, and most develop systems to minimize the effects of their symptoms.  However, many still struggle with inattention and impulsiveness.  As a result, ADHD adults are more likely to get divorced, and they are more likely to change jobs multiple times. 

Stimulant medications are not safe.

The Truth: Stimulant medications have been used to treat symptoms of hyperactivity, inattention, and impulsivity since 1937, and Ritalin has been on the market since 1954.  In other words, these medications have been around for a long time.  They are completely safe when used properly and under a doctor’s supervision.  In fact, they are less likely to result in medical complications than Aspirin.   

Stimulant medications are addictive. 

The Truth: This might be true, but ONLY if they are misused.  When stimulant medications are taken properly and under a doctor’s supervision, they do not pose a threat of addiction.

Stimulant medications increase the risk of substance abuse. 

The Truth: I would argue that the opposite is true.  Individuals with ADHD are more likely to abuse drugs and/or alcohol, but this is due to the disorder, not the treatment.  When people are not treated properly, they are more likely to self-medicate with caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or drugs.

People with ADHD just need to try harder.  

The Truth: Most people with ADHD ARE trying harder.  However, these attempts are often in vain, because the harder they try to pay attention, the more their brain shuts down. 
 

Are you a terrible parent?

First, let me ease your fears… The fact that you are reading this proves that you are NOT in fact a terrible parent.  As parents, we all question ourselves from time to time.  Are we doing the right thing? Are we good parents? When our children have ADHD or other emotional/behavior problems, these questions can haunt us.  To make things worse, we have to deal with people questioning our child’s ADHD, behavior, and often times, questioning our parenting.  All too often, parents here comments like, “Your child just need… (more discipline, structure, motivation, etc.)”  These comments can make us feel as if we are doing something wrong.  Even worse, there are people who suggest that there is no such thing as ADHD and that all of our children’s problems are the result of bad parenting.

I can recall a conversation I had a few years back.  This person believed that ADHD did not exist, and that it was some made up diagnosis aimed at medicating our kids into submission and filling the pockets of the pharmaceutical companies.  No matter how much I disputed his beliefs, citing scientific research, recounting personal experiences, and attempting to educate him on the history of ADHD (which dates back as far as 1798!), there was no swaying him.  I share this story because it highlights the misconceptions and ignorance surrounding ADHD.

Let’s face it, raising a child with ADHD is nothing short of challenging.  For this reason, the parents of ADHDers need to empower themselves through education, self-care, and understanding.  We all make mistakes! We will make mistakes, and our children will make mistakes.  However, as long as you are putting forth your best effort to do what’s right for your child, you are not a bad parent!

Oh, and just a forewarning… You will inevitably come across information that will make you question the way you’ve dealt with your child in the past.  Do not beat yourself up over it! Hindsight is always 20/20, and as long as we are trying, our children will (eventually) appreciate us. At the very least, they will know we did our best.