You Are Not Alone!

I recently attended the CHADD conference in Chicago, and one thing I took away is that we are not alone.  As I listened to other ADHD coaches, experts, and advocates, I found that many had the same story.  So many of them faced the all-to-familiar struggles of raising an ADHD child.  They faced the negative comments and opinions of others, they had to fight to get their child the help he or she needed, and they battled their own frustration as they watched their children struggle behaviorally, academically, and socially.  I don't think there was a single parent there that hadn't received phone calls from teachers reporting poor grades or bad behavior.  

I wanted to share this observation, because so many of us question our parenting.  We battle with "terrible parent" syndrome when our children struggle with ADHD-related obstacles.  Yet there are experts out there that have faced the same issues and fought the same battles.  So, don't get caught up in second guessing yourself.

The Importance of Boundaries

One thing I’ve learned over the years, it is important to set healthy personal boundaries.  This is especially true when you are raising an ADHD child.  Boundaries need to be set around how you allow your child (and others) to treat you, and boundaries need to be set around what input, advice, and interference you will accept from outsiders.  Failure to protect your personal boundaries often leads to feelings of guilt, stress, resentment, and tension.  When you have ADHD yourself, this stress can shut down your prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for your brain to function effectively.  However, as essential as boundaries are, many people struggle with defining and protecting their boundaries.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are essentially rules about what you will or will not allow into your life.  These rules allow you to protect and take care of yourself.  In order to set boundaries, you need to consider your needs, values, and goals.  When something is out of sync with these things, it may indicate missing boundaries.  For example, if someone is constantly undermining you as a parent, you are not protecting your boundaries.  

A Few Questions to Ask Yourself

When you experience feelings of unhappiness, guilt, stress, or tension, stop and ask yourself the following questions:

•  Is this in line with my personal needs, values, and goals?
• Am I able to communicate my feelings about this issue?
• Can I say “no” or “stop” without feelings of guilt?
• Is this really my problem, or is it someone else’s?

If you answer no to any of these questions, it may be time to take a step back and consider what boundaries you need to set in place. 

Special Considerations for Parents   

There are a few areas where you need to set boundaries as a parent, especially when in comes to the influence of outsiders.  In order to clarify your boundaries, ask yourself the following questions:

• What impact is this person having on me and/or my child?
• What information do I want my child to have?
• What input or advice am I willing to take from outsiders? 
• What input or advice am I not willing to take?

It’s OK to Say No

Once you have set your boundaries, it may take some time before you are comfortable with enforcing those boundaries.  You may feel guilty or uncomfortable saying no or stop.  Keep practicing! It will get easier with time.  Find a way to remind yourself of the alternatives.