One Step at a Time

Children with ADHD have a multitude of struggles, which can translate into disorganization, interrupting conversations, unfinished chores, lower grades, and behavioral problems.  As parents, we may be tempted to address all of these issues at once, but this approach often fails us.  It leads to increased frustration and a sense of failure, for parents and children alike. 

It is important to work on one specific behavior at a time.  This will reduce the stress on you and your child, and minimize feelings of overwhelm.  Be patient.  There is plenty of time to work on other behaviors and obstacles.  

Reduce Holiday Stress

The holidays are upon us, along with the joy and the stress they bring.  Holiday parties, travel, shopping, decorating, and cooking are piled on top of our already busy schedules.  While most of us enjoy the festivities, it can also throw off our routines and leave us feeling frazzled.  To top it off, the kids are out of school for winter break.  Here are a few tips to help you make the most of holiday joy and minimize stress.

• Stick to what works.  Don’t forget to use your normal time management and organization systems.  Make sure you include holiday-related tasks and events.
• Try to maintain some sort of routine.  If your child takes a nap a 2:00 pm every day, don’t schedule activities during that time.  Similarly, if you go to the gym every morning, try to stick with that routine.  If you can’t go to the gym, squeeze in a walk (weather permitting), yoga, or some other exercise during that time.
• Don’t overbook yourself or your child.  Be mindful that the constant hustle and bustle can lead to overwhelm and meltdowns.  Make sure to schedule some down time.     
• Take it easy on the sugar.  Sugar and artificial food coloring can exacerbate ADHD symptoms.         
• Don’t forget self-care.  When we get busy, basic needs such as sleep, exercise, and a healthy diet are the first to go. 

What helps you maintain your sanity and reduce stress during the holiday season? I’d love to hear from you! 

Social Support

A while back, I had the opportunity to sit down with a few friends, all of which had at a child with ADHD.  We chatted for hours about some of the parenting challenges we faced, our children’s struggles, what helped, and what didn’t.  It was such an incredible relief to be able to speak freely with no fear of judgment.  As other parents of ADHDers know, this doesn’t happen very often.  I share this experience because it highlights the importance of social support.  Not only is it therapeutic to share challenges with others, it can help you verbally process problems and brain storm possible solutions.  If you don’t already have a strong social support system, I encourage you to find other parents of ADHD children.  Whether it’s an informal gathering of friends or a formal support group, it can do you a world of good.

Fidget Toys

Many people with ADHD find that fidget toys are an effective strategy to help them remain focus.  This is true for children and adults alike.  (For those of you who know me, I often wear a ring that doubles as a fidget.) Stress balls, slinkies, or even a strip of Velcro to run your fingers over can help people with ADHD who need movement to focus.  However, there is one thing that must be considered.  Many people with ADHD are also extremely sensitive to textures.  What works for one person may be irritating to another.  So, while I highly encourage experimenting with fidgets, it is essential that the child (or adult) finds the fidget appealing in size, density, and texture.  Try different options and figure out what works.

Top Mistakes Parents Make When Raising an ADHD Child

The other day I was reflecting on the mistakes I’ve made as a parent, and the mistakes I’ve watched other parents make.  The result of this reflection was a list of some of the top mistakes parents of ADHD children make.  As you read this, remember that no one is perfect.  I think we are all guilty of some of these from time to time.    

·        Thinking ADHD behaviors are intentional.  ADHD children do not leave a mess just so you have to clean it up.  They get distracted and move on to the next thing without even thinking about it.  Similarly, they are not purposely ignoring you.  It's just that their mind is focused on something else, and they are not processing what you are saying.  If they are hyperfocused, they may not even hear you.

·        Allowing ADHD to be used as an excuse.  While it is important to teach your ADHD child to advocate for him or herself, it is also important to avoid using ADHD as an excuse.  I stress with my clients is that there is a difference between excuses and explanations.  Instead of using the excuse, "I can't do that because I have ADHD", ADHDers need to focus on explanations such as "I have ADHD, so I need (insert strategy here) to help me do this" or simply “(strategy) helps me to do this”.  For example, a child might say, “playing with a stress ball really helps me to pay attention”. 

·        Being too rigid about how things need to be done.  For example, I've heard parents tell their children that homework must be done sitting at a desk.  Parents need to allow kids the flexibility to figure out how they work best.  Their minds are not wired the same way as non-ADHDers, so they may need to do things differently in order to succeed.  Focus on the end goal versus having a required path to get there.  Parenting an ADHD child requires creativity and flexibility.

·        Expecting their child to complete large, overwhelming tasks on their own.  Even adults with ADHD tend to shut down when faced with large, long-term, or overwhelming tasks.  Instead of telling your child to clean his or her room, help them break it down into smaller, more manageable tasks, such as “put your toys in the toy box” and “pick up your dirty clothes and put them in the hamper”. 

·        Ignoring their child's struggles.  Ignoring ADHD does not make it go away.  Understand that you’re child struggles with certain things and work with him or her to create strategies that will help. 

·        Always focusing on the negative.  Children with ADHD receive a lot of negative feedback.  It is so important to recognize their efforts and celebrate successes.  Your child has his or her unique strengths and talents.  Make sure you take the time to appreciate those strengths and encourage your child to excel in those areas. 

·        Being unrealistic.  Let’s face it, ADHD comes with several obstacles, and it is impossible to work on all of them at the same time.  Focus on one or two things at a time, and set realistic expectations.

·        Not taking care of themselves.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – Parents need to remember to take care of themselves! When you are stressed and overwhelmed, you cannot be the calm, supportive parent your child needs.  Take the time to take care of yourself by eating right, exercising, and making sure to schedule some time for yourself.  

You Are Not Alone!

I recently attended the CHADD conference in Chicago, and one thing I took away is that we are not alone.  As I listened to other ADHD coaches, experts, and advocates, I found that many had the same story.  So many of them faced the all-to-familiar struggles of raising an ADHD child.  They faced the negative comments and opinions of others, they had to fight to get their child the help he or she needed, and they battled their own frustration as they watched their children struggle behaviorally, academically, and socially.  I don't think there was a single parent there that hadn't received phone calls from teachers reporting poor grades or bad behavior.  

I wanted to share this observation, because so many of us question our parenting.  We battle with "terrible parent" syndrome when our children struggle with ADHD-related obstacles.  Yet there are experts out there that have faced the same issues and fought the same battles.  So, don't get caught up in second guessing yourself.

The Importance of Boundaries

One thing I’ve learned over the years, it is important to set healthy personal boundaries.  This is especially true when you are raising an ADHD child.  Boundaries need to be set around how you allow your child (and others) to treat you, and boundaries need to be set around what input, advice, and interference you will accept from outsiders.  Failure to protect your personal boundaries often leads to feelings of guilt, stress, resentment, and tension.  When you have ADHD yourself, this stress can shut down your prefrontal cortex, making it difficult for your brain to function effectively.  However, as essential as boundaries are, many people struggle with defining and protecting their boundaries.

Setting Boundaries

Boundaries are essentially rules about what you will or will not allow into your life.  These rules allow you to protect and take care of yourself.  In order to set boundaries, you need to consider your needs, values, and goals.  When something is out of sync with these things, it may indicate missing boundaries.  For example, if someone is constantly undermining you as a parent, you are not protecting your boundaries.  

A Few Questions to Ask Yourself

When you experience feelings of unhappiness, guilt, stress, or tension, stop and ask yourself the following questions:

•  Is this in line with my personal needs, values, and goals?
• Am I able to communicate my feelings about this issue?
• Can I say “no” or “stop” without feelings of guilt?
• Is this really my problem, or is it someone else’s?

If you answer no to any of these questions, it may be time to take a step back and consider what boundaries you need to set in place. 

Special Considerations for Parents   

There are a few areas where you need to set boundaries as a parent, especially when in comes to the influence of outsiders.  In order to clarify your boundaries, ask yourself the following questions:

• What impact is this person having on me and/or my child?
• What information do I want my child to have?
• What input or advice am I willing to take from outsiders? 
• What input or advice am I not willing to take?

It’s OK to Say No

Once you have set your boundaries, it may take some time before you are comfortable with enforcing those boundaries.  You may feel guilty or uncomfortable saying no or stop.  Keep practicing! It will get easier with time.  Find a way to remind yourself of the alternatives.