I Blame the Parents

My friends and I were gathered around the table enjoying a desperately needed girl’s night out.  Someone brought up recent events involving a neighborhood troublemaker.  While I don’t usually involve myself with gossip, I have to admit it was nice to know that my child wasn't the only hot mess in town.  Mind you, I don’t wish these issues on any parent, but it is nice to know you aren’t the only one. 

We all contributed our thoughts and opinions about the situation.

“It’s such a shame.  He has so much potential.”

“The poor parents…”

“If he doesn’t straighten out, he’s going to wind up in jail.”

In the midst of these comments expressing sympathy and concern, one of my friends blurted out, “I blame the parents!”

I could feel the rage growing inside me.  Those of us who were dealing with our own “problem children” exchanged glances.  How dare she make a comment like that!

Just about every woman sitting at the table that night had an ADHD child, and a few were trying to raise children with more serious emotional and developmental disorders.  She knew what we were going through.  She knew that we had all gone to great lengths to support our children, investing in their treatment and success.     

There are a few things I’ve learned raising an ADHD child.  First, until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea what obstacles these children and their parents face.  I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve spoken with that admit that they used to be “one of those people” who believed that it was the parents’ faults.  Then they were faced with raising an ADHD child of their own, and they realized that it’s more complicated than that. 

The second thing I learned was that we, as parents, only have so much control.  Our children are going to do what they are going to do, especially if they struggle with impulsivity.  No matter what we do, they are going to make mistakes. 

While we may not be able to change the opinions of others, we do need to guard ourselves from taking their comments to heart.  We need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes, and let go of the guilt we feel because our children are struggling.  

Put Your Oxygen Mask on First

I laid in bed, not wanting to face the day. 

“Are you getting up?” my husband asked.

“Yeah.  In a minute.” I replied, knowing that whether I got up or not was questionable.  Over the past few weeks, I had been feeling fatigued and overwhelmed, but this morning was even worse.  I had been up all night worrying about my daughter, playing out all of the worst-case scenarios in my head, and wondering what I could do to help her.  Couldn’t things be easy for once? Why couldn’t she just turn in her homework, at least attempt to do her chores, and for goodness sake, stay out of trouble?

I knew why.  Like me, she had ADHD.  She often forgot to complete homework assignments, and when she did complete them, she forgot to turn them in.  She couldn’t get her chores done, because there were so many other interesting things to distract her along the way, and she was constantly getting in trouble for impulsively responding to us and her teachers.  The child had no filter what-so-ever.  I wished I knew how to help her.

I needed to do something before I snapped – for my sake and for the sake of my family.  I wondered what would happen if I ran off to live on a deserted tropical island where no one could find me…

Anyone who’s been on an airplane has heard, “put your oxygen mask on first” before attempting to help small children with theirs.  This concept is important, but all too often forgotten when we are raising ADHD children.  We get so wrapped up in taking care of our children that we forget to take care of ourselves.  Parenting, in and of itself, is stressful, but when you add an ADHD child to the mix, that stress is intensified.  WARNING: Neglecting self-care can and will eventually lead to overwhelm and burnout.  When this happens, we have lower tolerance to frustration, and it becomes even more difficult to address issues, plan, and problem solve.  Some parents begin to react from an emotional state, while others tune everything out.  Be honest with yourself, how is this benefiting you or your child? When you’re overwhelmed or burnt out, can you react in a calm, rational, supportive way? Probably not.  More than likely, you will begin to feel frustrated, if not angry or resentful towards your child.

This is why self-care is so incredibly important.  As parents, we need to make sure we are eating right, exercising, and getting enough sleep.  It is also important to schedule some “me time” to recharge your batteries.  If you’re thinking, “But I don’t have time!”, I challenge you to ask yourself whether you can afford the alternative. 

Beware of Burnout

At this summer’s ADDA conference I attended a talk about ADHD and burnout given by Linda Walker. While the talk focused on burnout as a result of being overworked, it occurred to me that burnout is a real issue for parents raising ADHD children, especially if the parents are ADHD themselves.  Stress from work and home can leave parents overwhelmed, eventually leading to mental and emotional shut-down.  It may seem impossible to escape these stressors and take care of oneself, but the risk of burnout makes self-care that much more important.  

Identifying Signs of Burnout

Symptoms of burnout or impending burnout can be physical, emotional, or behavioral.  Some warning signs include a chronic tired or drained feeling, muscle aches or tension, headaches, back pain, loss of motivation,  and feelings of failure, self-doubt, or helplessness.

Preventing Burnout

When stress is coming at you from all sides, it is essential to take care of yourself.  Let's face it, when we don't take care of ourselves, we are less effective at home and at work.  This leads to more stress and creates a downward spiral, which will ultimately lead to burnout and/or other issues.  Here are a few suggestions for preventing burnout:

• Keep a success journal.  This will help remind you of your strengths, accomplishments, and what has worked in the past.  This can be extremely helpful when you reach a point where you don't know what to do.  
• Keep a gratitude journal.  Find at least 3 things to be thankful for each day, even in times of high stress.  I could go into all the benefits of this one, but the bottom line is that this can do wonders for your outlook and your ability to cope with stress.  Don't believe me? Try it for yourself!
• Exercise.  Another essential aspect of protecting yourself from burnout.  It improves mood and reduces stress.  If you're not into hitting the gym, find ways to squeeze walking, your favorite sport, or other physical activities into your day.  
• Get enough sleep.  Let's face it, our brains go to mush if we don't get enough sleep, something you might want to remember the next time you decide to stay up late in an effort to "catch up".  Chances are, you'll only be putting yourself further behind in the end. 
• Eat a healthy diet. When we don't eat right, it affects our body and our mind.  
• Practice mindfulness.  Meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply taking a moment to notice how you are feeling emotionally and physically can help recharge our batteries.
• Set boundaries.  It's okay to say no, it's okay to ask for help, and it's okay to set rules about how you'll allow others to treat you.
• Schedule "Me" time.  Spend time with friends or engaging in your favorite activity.  It doesn't matter what you do as long as it gives you a brief escape from daily stressors.  It's all about recharging your batteries so you don't get to that point of overwhelm and burnout.

Beware of Cookie-Cutter Accommodations

Well, it’s that time of year again – kids are going back to school, and parents are starting to think about IEPs and 504 plans.  If you are not familiar with these plans, IEPs (Individual Education Plans) and 504 plans are an individualized set of accommodations that the school will provide to help students with physical, mental, or learning disabilities, including ADHD.  For those of you who do not have a 504 plan or an IEP for your child, I highly encourage you to look into putting one in place.  For the rest of you, I have one question: How well is your current IEP or 504 plan working for your child? For these plans to work, it is essential that you and your child’s school work together to determine the right accommodations.  All too often these plans are filled with cookie cutter accommodations that may or may not help the student.  Here are a few of the accommodations that I see on most plans, along with a few things to consider.

Accommodation #1: Student is to sit at the front of the class (or closest to the teacher).

The Reasoning: By sitting in the front of the class and closer to the teacher, there will be fewer distractions.  This will help the student sustain attention during class.

The Problem: If the teacher moves around a lot, sitting in the front can actually be more distracting, because the student has to constantly turn his or her head to follow the teacher.  In addition, if there is a student nearby that is fidgeting, tapping his or her pencil, etc., the ADHD student will likely be distracted no matter where they are positioned.

Solution: Always discuss accommodations with your child, and listen to his or her ideas and concerns.  Find out where he or she feels most comfortable and has the least amount of distractions.

Accommodation #2: The student is sent to another room to take tests.

The Reasoning: A separate room with no other students will eliminate distractions and allow the student to concentrate on the test.

The Problem: This accommodation works really well with some students, but not with others.  Some students need a little background noise to help them focus.

Other Options: If a separate room is too quiet, but you still need to minimize distractions, you may consider having the child sit in a back of the room facing the wall to prevent visual distractions.  You can also try using a study carrel.  If one is not available in the classroom, a makeshift study carrel can be made by propping folders up on the desk.  You can also try using a separate room for tests and bringing in a white noise machine so things aren’t too quiet.

Accommodation #3: The teacher will check and sign off on the student’s agenda every day.

The Reasoning: Students with ADHD are infamous for forgetting to write down assignments or failing to record important information about those assignments.  By having the teacher check the student’s agenda each day, you ensure that the student has written down all the assignments correctly.

The Problem: All too often the students are expected to remember to bring their agendas to the teacher for signing.  Here’s my challenge to that approach – If the student can’t remember to write down the assignments, how will they remember to have their teachers sign off on it?

Other Options: Have your child pick out a study buddy for each class.  Then, every afternoon the student will call the study buddy to make sure all assignments are written down correctly.  Another option is to use a smartphone to take a picture of assignments written on the board.

ADHD Myths and Misconceptions

ADHD isn’t real.  
The Truth: ADHD is a very real disorder.  Neuroimaging studies have documented differences in the activity of ADHD and non-ADHD brains.  

ADHD is over diagnosed.

The Truth: While this may be true in small circles around the country, just as many (if not more) go undiagnosed.  In fact, it’s estimated that 85% of ADHD adults are undiagnosed. 

ADHD is the result of bad parenting.
The Truth: Nothing gets me fired up faster than someone who blames the parents for a child's ADHD.  ADHD is NOT the result of bad parenting.  The disorder has a strong genetic component, and most ADHDers have family members with ADHD as well.   

ADHD is a new disorder.  
The Truth: While we still have a lot to learn about ADHD, it is not a new disorder.  In fact, accounts of ADHD date back as far as 1798.

ADHD is a childhood disorder, and people outgrow it. 

The Truth: While ADHD may manifest differently in adults, people don’t just outgrow it.  Adults with ADHD are likely to exhibit less hyperactivity, and most develop systems to minimize the effects of their symptoms.  However, many still struggle with inattention and impulsiveness.  As a result, ADHD adults are more likely to get divorced, and they are more likely to change jobs multiple times. 

Stimulant medications are not safe.

The Truth: Stimulant medications have been used to treat symptoms of hyperactivity, inattention, and impulsivity since 1937, and Ritalin has been on the market since 1954.  In other words, these medications have been around for a long time.  They are completely safe when used properly and under a doctor’s supervision.  In fact, they are less likely to result in medical complications than Aspirin.   

Stimulant medications are addictive. 

The Truth: This might be true, but ONLY if they are misused.  When stimulant medications are taken properly and under a doctor’s supervision, they do not pose a threat of addiction.

Stimulant medications increase the risk of substance abuse. 

The Truth: I would argue that the opposite is true.  Individuals with ADHD are more likely to abuse drugs and/or alcohol, but this is due to the disorder, not the treatment.  When people are not treated properly, they are more likely to self-medicate with caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, or drugs.

People with ADHD just need to try harder.  

The Truth: Most people with ADHD ARE trying harder.  However, these attempts are often in vain, because the harder they try to pay attention, the more their brain shuts down. 
 

Are you a terrible parent?

First, let me ease your fears… The fact that you are reading this proves that you are NOT in fact a terrible parent.  As parents, we all question ourselves from time to time.  Are we doing the right thing? Are we good parents? When our children have ADHD or other emotional/behavior problems, these questions can haunt us.  To make things worse, we have to deal with people questioning our child’s ADHD, behavior, and often times, questioning our parenting.  All too often, parents here comments like, “Your child just need… (more discipline, structure, motivation, etc.)”  These comments can make us feel as if we are doing something wrong.  Even worse, there are people who suggest that there is no such thing as ADHD and that all of our children’s problems are the result of bad parenting.

I can recall a conversation I had a few years back.  This person believed that ADHD did not exist, and that it was some made up diagnosis aimed at medicating our kids into submission and filling the pockets of the pharmaceutical companies.  No matter how much I disputed his beliefs, citing scientific research, recounting personal experiences, and attempting to educate him on the history of ADHD (which dates back as far as 1798!), there was no swaying him.  I share this story because it highlights the misconceptions and ignorance surrounding ADHD.

Let’s face it, raising a child with ADHD is nothing short of challenging.  For this reason, the parents of ADHDers need to empower themselves through education, self-care, and understanding.  We all make mistakes! We will make mistakes, and our children will make mistakes.  However, as long as you are putting forth your best effort to do what’s right for your child, you are not a bad parent!

Oh, and just a forewarning… You will inevitably come across information that will make you question the way you’ve dealt with your child in the past.  Do not beat yourself up over it! Hindsight is always 20/20, and as long as we are trying, our children will (eventually) appreciate us. At the very least, they will know we did our best.