I Blame the Parents

My friends and I were gathered around the table enjoying a desperately needed girl’s night out.  Someone brought up recent events involving a neighborhood troublemaker.  While I don’t usually involve myself with gossip, I have to admit it was nice to know that my child wasn't the only hot mess in town.  Mind you, I don’t wish these issues on any parent, but it is nice to know you aren’t the only one. 

We all contributed our thoughts and opinions about the situation.

“It’s such a shame.  He has so much potential.”

“The poor parents…”

“If he doesn’t straighten out, he’s going to wind up in jail.”

In the midst of these comments expressing sympathy and concern, one of my friends blurted out, “I blame the parents!”

I could feel the rage growing inside me.  Those of us who were dealing with our own “problem children” exchanged glances.  How dare she make a comment like that!

Just about every woman sitting at the table that night had an ADHD child, and a few were trying to raise children with more serious emotional and developmental disorders.  She knew what we were going through.  She knew that we had all gone to great lengths to support our children, investing in their treatment and success.     

There are a few things I’ve learned raising an ADHD child.  First, until you experience it for yourself, you have no idea what obstacles these children and their parents face.  I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve spoken with that admit that they used to be “one of those people” who believed that it was the parents’ faults.  Then they were faced with raising an ADHD child of their own, and they realized that it’s more complicated than that. 

The second thing I learned was that we, as parents, only have so much control.  Our children are going to do what they are going to do, especially if they struggle with impulsivity.  No matter what we do, they are going to make mistakes. 

While we may not be able to change the opinions of others, we do need to guard ourselves from taking their comments to heart.  We need to forgive ourselves for our own mistakes, and let go of the guilt we feel because our children are struggling.